Know what I loved about the past two years
The sense of control. During 2016 I believed I was in total control of my life – headed toward a 100% recovery from my neuro condition
as well as my emotional condition.
It felt overwhelmingly great. Progress was being made. I was a ship forging through arctic ice. All I had to do was keep working.
Keep seeking out problems
(Keep ignoring; my body, my loved ones’ warnings, my innate and abiding imperfection that can never be cleaved away…)
I’m bed-bound again. Unable to even sit up in bed at the moment. Based on past experience, it will take at least a year before I can go out an have a little fun in the wheelchair again.
One day a psychologist visited me in hospital. Through talking with her, I realised there were definite warning signs my health was failing prior to the full-on relapse.
I probably could have avoided this, if I’d not been so utterly high on a delusional sense of control.
Control is a concept that has really dominated my life in various ways.
I’ve been controlled, have tried to control others… and when I stepped away from those two things I embarked on a massive attempt to control my self, my own life.
This is what I’ve learned so far;
a sense of total control will be followed by a fall.
As will any delusional belief, I suppose.
I’m a very small, petrified person. This fact has been shoved in my face over recent weeks.
So I guess this is where I start.
This is where I am. Perhaps I need to just sit here a while.